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JUST LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE! BY SHINIGAMI AND RAVEN Just Let Your Conscience be Your Guide! (Gundam Version) An inside view of the consciences of the Gundam Cast ------------------------------------------------------------------ Rated: R For various referrals to sex, violence, and adult language, And due to it’s content, should not be read by anyone. But, fuck the rating! Read on, and be afraid! Co-written by Lady Panther and Raven Moonshadow HEERO YUY [Scene: Heero holding a gun on Relena] A little devil appears on Heero’s right shoulder, and an angel appears on his left. They both look like him, but the devil has a tail and horns, and hold cheaply painted red fork, and the angel has a halo and wings. Of course they’re wearing spandex. Devil Heero: Kill her! You know you want to. She is so annoying! Angel Heero: I’ll give you that, but she’s the queen of the pacifist nation Devil Heero: Don’t you remember how annoying she is when she screams your name? Heero: Hn. Mission…ACCPTED! BANG! BANG! Relena: dies Devil Heero: Cheers fades away Angel Heero: That was…fun! Maybe we should listen to the devil side of you more. Angel Heero: goes of to smoke some pot Heero: Finally…I can sleep at night! * STRINGERS: CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME CAN’T SLEEP, RELENA WILL RAPE ME * QUIETLY PLOTTING MY REVENGE *** QUATRE RABERBA WINNER [Scene: Drinking spiked tea with Dorothy] Two angels appear on Quatre’s right shoulder. They wait impatiently for the devil. When he shows up, he is grinning evilly. “I just spiked their tea!” The look remorseful. “You shouldn’t do that, it isn’t right!” the devil grins. “You sound like Quatre.” “We ARE Quatre!” the shakes his head. “No, you are the angels in his head that he talks to all of the time.” The angels look horrified. “No we’re not…” devil grins. “I get him to do the bad things. You make him look like a pussy!” “No we don’t!” “Oh yeah? He listens to me more than you. Remember the Zero system? That was me.” “That was the machine!” “Sure. Do you know what he was doing last night?” “No, what?” “You don’t wanna know.” “We need to know!” “It involved a beautiful woman.” “GASP” “Goody goodies never get any sex. Sorry to help him get some action. He needs this kind of thing.” “No he doesn’t!” “Yes he does. Next he’s getting married.” “GASP!” “At least it’s not pre-marital sex!” “nod” “Yeah. Now which GIRL?” “shrug” “I’ll be right back Disappears” “shrug disappear” * STRINGER: When I’m good, I’m good; When I’m bad, I’m better * DUO MAXWELL [Scene: Duo having sex…with Sally, Catherine, and Dorothy] Two devils appear on opposite shoulders. Devil1: He should kill them all Devil2: No he should have sex with them and make Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre jealous! Devil1: That is a good point… Devil2: Duh! Devil1: Let’s get it ON! Devil2: All right! Devil1: You wanna get high? Devil2: Sure! Duo: Will you two quiet down! I’m trying to have sex here! Devil1: Fine. Devils: disappear in a cloud of smoke * STRINGER: Don’t interrupt me When I’m arguing with myself * CHANG WUFEI [Scene: Wufei is arguing with Sally] A female devil and an male angel appear. Justice: Beat the onna! Teach her her place! Injustice: I don't agree with justice! Sally’s devil and angel appear. Preventer: Weak man! You have no dick! Causer: Preventer is right! He has no balls EITHER! Justice + Injustice: INJUSTICE! Preventer + Causer: Damn straight! Justice + Injustice: mumble into Wufei’s ear Preventer + Causer: mumble into Sally’s ear Sally: runs into bedroom Wufei: Follows Lock is heard Angels: Don’t forget the condoms! Devils: Who need’s ‘em? All tiny apparitions: Make out run into bathroom Have sex * STRINGER: One by one, the onnas Steal my sanity * TROWA BARTON [Scene: Trying to ask Raven out on a date…and failing] The devil and the angel appear. "go on, ask her!" The devil said. "Be courteous!" Said the angel. Trowa's eyes widened. Was he crazy? "Go on!" The devil prodded him with a tiny pitchfork on the neck. "Bring her chocolate and flowers!" Said the angel. "fuck the chocolate and flowers! Run in and kiss her!" The devil prodded. "No! Don't be forceful! That will push her away!" the angel cried. "If you push women, you won't get laid!" The angel added. "Well actually, when it comes down to it, if you DON'T push, you don't get laid." the devil said. "Uh...no!" the angel said. "You talk too much." Trowa said. Suddenly, Raven ran into the room and grabbed Trowa into a long embrace and gave him a very passionate kiss. And then had sex. Multiple times. On the other side of the room, Trowa's conscience is talking to Raven's. "Wanna get it on?" "Why the fuck not?" "YAHOO!" * STRINGER: Your village called; They’re looking for their idiot * END
	History Gone Wrong Chapter ONE History Gone Wrong A Humor Gundam Wing fic By Lady Panther Hi! This is the almighty bitch reporting that this will be the MOST fucked up fic you will ever read! I have taken the pilots and put them into the places of the historical figures most like them! See if you can guess who the figure is… Pilot One: Chang Wufei China, in a large gathering. “Onnas are wrong! We must eliminate all onnas!” “YAY!” “MUHAHAHAHA!” “HEIL WUFEI!” As Wufei entered his office, the guards threw up their left hands. “Heil Wufei!”. Wufei got on the phone. “Yes, put all the onnas into death camps…” Wufei’s Historical Figure: Adolf Hitler Pilot Two: Quatre Raberba Winner Africa, in a calm spot. “Peace…is the way…to have…true happiness…” “Oh, honorable teacher, peace is the way!” “Yes, child. Now I will go and fast for a few years.” Quatre’s Historical Figure: Ghandi (the supposed ‘greatest pacifist’ who believed in peaceful protest [not eating]) Pilot Three: Trowa Barton “…” “Sir?” “…?” “Sir?” “…?” “STOP MEDITATING, DAMMIT!” “…!” ///_* “Good god…EAT AND SPEAK!” Trowa’s Historical Figure: Buddha, when he was fasting and not talking for twelve years. Pilot Four: Heero Yuy “KILL! BEWARE THE HUNS!” “YEAH!” “WE WILL CONQUER ALL OF THE MIDDLE EAST!” “YEAH!” “AND WE WILL SURVIVE!” “_YEAH_!” Heero’s Historical Figure: Attila the Hun Pilot Five: Duo Maxwell “YAHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! DEATH IS WONDERFUL! HEY! SATAN! MORE FIRE!” Duo’s Historical Figure: The little devil that annoys Satan =^.^= Lady: Sorry about Duo’s…He’s my fav. Pilot, but I couldn’t think of anyone for him to be! If you have any suggestions, please use the review board, and not only suggest…but REVIEW! I CRAVE REVIEWS! Wufei: How DARE you make me Hitler, Onna! Quatre: I _like_ being Ghandi! Duo: I’m fine with being a devil imp! Trowa: “…” Heero: Reads the fic Attila the HUN? WHAT THE FUCK! HOW DARE YOU! Lady: runs as Heero and Wufei try to kill her
Click my picture of the elven Heero to go to the story.
	SPIN THE BOTTLE Spin the Bottle They were all in a familiar room—an incredibly large room, actually. There was enough space for Treize to lounge, for Duo to run around, for Trowa to practice his lovely 360 degree flip, and the acoustics were great, making a perfect echo every time Relena cried Heero's name. This large, familiar room was, in fact, a waiting room of sorts for the characters. The air was filled with an unusual vibe that made them strangely . . . out of character. They were milling about, doing their usual things. As mentioned before, Trowa was practicing his acrobatics; Treize was lounging; Une was target-shooting in one corner; Quatre was playing a piano sonata while Dorothy hovered over him; Noin sat in the center of the room, reviewing a chart of new battle plans. On the other side of the room, Heero sat on the floor with his laptop, downloading pictures of . . . enemy mobile suits; Relena was at his side, trying to get his attention; WuFei and Sally were arguing nearby, oblivious to all the others; Duo ran around the room, poking his nose into places it didn't belong; Zechs sat on the floor with his shirt off, drinking his Wild Turkey; Hilde and Catherine were gushing over Zechs liked little teeny-boppers. Zechs finished his drink and struck a pose, enjoying the squeals of his fan club. This had been going on for over twenty minutes. Noin finally ended it by taking the bottle and whacking Zechs upside the head. Duo, who happened to be running by, shouted: "Hey! I have an idea! Let's play Spin the Bottle!" The others shrugged and sat in a circle. They had been hanging out in this "fan-fic waiting room" without much to do. "No," WuFei said with an angry glare, refusing to sit. "Please?" Sally asked, clinging to one arm. WuFei's eyes softened. "Please?" Treize asked, clinging to the other. WuFei softened some more. "All right." He sat down between them. "I'll go first," Relena offered, trying to catch Heero's eye. He wasn't looking. With a sigh, she took the bottle from Noin and spun it roughly on the floor. It landed pointing at Trowa Barton. "Great," she muttered. Trowa shrugged and crossed the circle. He placed a nice but chaste kiss on her lips. Then he sat down again, wordlessly. Relena sighed again. "Wonderful," she muttered. "My first kiss was from someone with as much feeling as a dead fish." She turned away and pouted, arms crossed over her chest. Zechs grabbed the bottle. "My turn." He spun it swiftly and watched it gradually slow down and land on Heero. Zechs gazed at the younger pilot, licking his lips hungrily. Heero turned to Duo, suddenly. "You started this game. I'm going to kill you," he informed the braided boy, pulling a gun from somewhere within his amazingly durable and revealing 80% gundanium spandex shorts. "How does he do that?" Relena asked. "He's amazing!" Dorothy's strange blue eyes widened. Heero, distracted by Duo's defensive protests, had forgotten about Zechs, until he felt the tall blond's hands wrapping around his waist from behind. "It's only fitting," Zechs whispered seductively, "since we're the two best pilots in the world." He gently turned Heero around and gave him a slow, passionate kiss. "Was that so bad now?" Heero gave Zechs the Ultimate-Death-Stare (TM) and sat back down between Catherine and Une. "I'm going to kill you, Zechs Merquise," he murmured. Sally pulled her hand away from WuFei's arm only long enough to spin the bottle. She watched it closely, praying it would land on WuFei. It did. "Woman!" His voice was low and angry. "How did you manage that?" "Ooh, I love it when you're fierce," she whispered huskily. She grabbed him and pulled him toward her; their lips locked as if there would be no tomorrow. Several minutes later, after Duo had tired of singing "The Song that Never Ends," Treize leaned over and tapped WuFei's shoulder. "Ah, Little Dragon, it's your turn." WuFei pulled away from Sally and reached for the bottle. With a swift flick of the wrist, the bottle was put into action. It landed on Duo Maxwell. WuFei hid an evil grin behind his hand. Duo was happy to pay the penalty. "Come here, WuFei-baby," he purred, crawling on his hands and knees toward the Chinese pilot. "Me love you long time." WuFei joined Duo's little game, crawling toward the center of the ring until their lips met in a deep kiss. It ended abruptly, though, with Duo's yelp of pain. He pulled away, checking his mouth for blood. "Thath athhole bith by thongue!" he hollered, holding on to his tongue. "That's what you get for acting like a wanton whore, Maxwell," WuFei said, taking his seat between Sally and Treize. Treize seized the bottle and spun it lightly. It made only two full rotations before pointing at Catherine. "My lady?" he smiled seductively. "No." Trowa's voice was unusually cold. "I'm not letting my sister kiss you." "Oh, Trowa, grow up!" Catherine said as she stood up to cross the circle. "I'm a big girl; I can take care of myself." Treize reached out and pulled her body against his in a firm embrace. His kiss was romantic and suave. When he finally let go, Catherine stumbled, her knees weak from his kiss. "Wow," she breathed, flashing him an adoring smile before she returned to her seat. "All right!" Hilde cried. "Now it's my turn!" She spun the bottle enthusiastically and it gradually would down, singling out Zechs. Hilde squealed and ran over to him. "I'm so jealous!" Catherine cried. (Treize, meanwhile, face-faulted.) "What's so great about him?" Duo demanded, obviously jealous of the attention Zechs received. "What's not?" a chorus of girls cried back, except for Relena, who was busy trying to coerce a smile from Heero's lips. (author's note: yeah, right! good luck, relena!) Zechs, adoring the praise of his fans, swept Hilde into his arms for a spine-tingling kiss. Or so he thought. When he set her down she stood there, perplexed. "Gee," she said. "Duo, even your kissing's better than that!" Heero nodded in agreement. Duo took a few bows, despite the booing coming from the general direction of Noin. Zechs hung his head low, receiving a sympathetic pat on the shoulder from his sister. In his own little world, unbeknownst to others, giant stone characters for the words "shame" and "denied" were crashing down upon his head. "It's my turn now?" Quatre asked as Dorothy handed him the bottle. He grimaced upon the sight of her sultry grin. He set the bottle down and spun it, afraid to see what it would lead to. He closed his eyes. "Relax," Noin whispered in his ear. "It's just me." She leaned close, lapping at his earlobe seductively. She turned his wide-eyed face toward her own and kissed him thoroughly. He kissed back eagerly despite his inexperience. She finally broke the kiss, gently pushing him away. He blushed furiously as Noin picked up the bottle. "I know who I want it to land on," Noin mumbled, looking at the shy blond out of the corner of her eye as she spun the bottle. It stopped spinning, pointing directly at Sally. They both grinned, then crawled to the center of the room to kiss. "That kind of reminds me of your academy years," Zechs smirked at Noin. Sally grinned wolfishly. "Me, too." "At last," Dorothy sighed once the cheering died away. "It's my turn." She eyed Relena and swiftly turned the bottle. It's neck pointed at Une once it stopped rotating. She crossed the circle and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on the lady's mouth. The only sound heard was Treize's sharp intake of air. Dorothy stomped back to her seat, wishing she could've had Relena instead. Trowa wordlessly picked up the bottle and spun it gently. It rotated slowly, and finally stopped with the neck facing Quatre. "Perfect," the tall pilot whispered, eyeing the blushing Arabian. Quatre scooted over to Trowa's side and hesitantly pulled him close. Trowa's lips clamped on his fiercely; Quatre felt himself being drawn into the other boy's lap. The others watched with surprise—who'd have guessed? (author's note: snicker yeah right!) They obviously weren't stopping any time soon (much to Noin's disappointment, now that she'd developed a soft spot for the blond), so Catherine grabbed the bottle and turned it. It landed on Hilde. "What?" Hilde squeaked. "I'm not going to kiss a girl!" "Really?" Catherine asked, pulling out her knives. She skillfully threw them at Hilde, pinning the girl's sweater to the floor. "Now this is what I call a fun game!" Duo cried, eyeing the girls lustfully. Catherine gave Hilde a deep kiss, finishing at the same time as Trowa and Quatre. "Not bad," Catherine said, removing the knives. "Better than Zechs!" Hilde laughed. Zechs glared at everyone nastily, stealing Heero's Ultimate-Death-Glare. "Heero!" Relena cried eagerly. "It's your turn!" He nodded and took the bottle. Glancing around the circle, he calculated the distance between each person and figured out exactly how much pressure would need to be exerted if he compensated for the friction of gravity. Finally he spun the bottle. It landed facing Relena, and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly. "So, Yuy," Zechs chided, "you want to keep it in the Peacecraft family?" Heero growled and went over to kiss Relena. It was a nice, simple—but long—kiss. After a moment Heero pulled away, his eyes shifting back and forth between Zechs and Relena. "Hmm . . . it's definitely not genetic," he said, pulling Relena close for another kiss. Une took the bottle once Heero was back in his seat. After a brief spin it pointed toward Treize. Une smiled and marched toward him, grabbing him by the collar. "Ah," he said. "I know how to make this better." He unpinned her hair and removed her glasses before he kissed her. She responded with latent, unbridled passion. "Yay! It's finally my turn!" Duo cheered, reaching for the bottle. He spun it rapidly and face-faulted when it landed on Dorothy. "Ugh—do I have to?" "This game was your idea, Maxwell," WuFei growled. "It's your mission," Heero stated with a glare. ". . ." Trowa replied enthusiastically. "It's not that bad," Quatre said softly. The other four pilots stared at him with wide eyes, and he blushed deeply. Dorothy happily kissed Duo, and he promptly wiped off the kiss. "I don't wanna play anymore!" he whined. The others agreed to quit, and gradually went back to their previous activities. Suddenly the door at the end of the room opened and a fanfic writer in a white lab coat came out, holding a clipboard. "If I could have your attention, please? I need to see the following people for the next lemon: Trowa Barton, WuFei Chang, Duo Maxwell, Lucrezia Noin, Quatre Raberba Winner, and Heero Yuy." They stood and headed for the door, Noin smiling wickedly. "So unfair," Zechs sighed. The others nodded their agreement as the door closed. "Anyone up for strip poker?" Treize asked. "Sure!" the girls chorused, crowding around him. Treize grinned and slapped a high five with Zechs.
Click on the over-happy Duo to see more pictures!
	DRIVING LESSONS Driving Lessons "I don't see why we all have to go," WuFei complained as he crawled into the backseat of the tiny sports car. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It wasn't just. "Maybe because we're going to the store to buy you some more marshmallows!" Heero told his lover sternly as he patted him on the butt. "Now hurry up and scoot over." "The store's two blocks away. I could walk," WuFei scowled. Duo scrambled in after Heero, pulling the passenger seat backward into the upright position. Trowa took the passenger seat, and an intense, concentrating super-deformed Quatre took his place at the wheel. His super-deformed fists were balled against the steering wheel; his eyes were reduced to slits. A massive sweatdrop slid down the side of his head, displaying his unease. "Do I have to do this now?" he asked Trowa, allowing his mouth to quiver and his big turquoise eyes to well up with big fat tears. "Yes," Trowa answered. With a sigh, Quatre put the key in the ignition. "You know," Duo said, pushing Heero closer to WuFei so he could have a little more elbowroom. "I think it's pretty sad that you can fly planes, pilot mobile suits and spacecrafts, yet you can't drive a standard." Quatre turned and glared at him for an instant. "Ooh . . . looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of Trowa this morning!" Duo taunted, sticking his tongue out at the Arabian. "All right, Quatre," Heero began, ignoring Duo and leaning forward, "remember that you need to let of the clutch at the same time as you press the gas. The two movements should be simultaneous." "Okay," Quatre said. He put in the clutch and started the ignition. Shifting into first, he tried to gradually put on the gas and release the clutch. He stalled with a lurch. "Aw, hell—we'll be stuck here for days!" Duo shouted in Trowa's ear. Trowa gently covered Quatre's hand on the gearshift. "You'll be fine. Next time, if you feel the car begin to stall, just put in the clutch completely. That'll keep it from happening." "Wait a sec!" WuFei cried, remembering something. "You were the one who ate all the marshmallows, Heero! Remember, how we were in—" "Shut up," Heero growled, cutting off the Chinese pilot's words. He didn't really want the others to hear about them feeding each other all sorts of interesting foods. Or where they were when they did it. He still hadn't gotten the sticky syrup out of Wing Zero's cockpit. "Your feet should be fairly synchronized," Trowa continued, ignoring the peanut gallery in the back seat. "Kinda like when you're stepping forward in Sandrock, but suddenly have to rock backwards to dodge." Duo's analogy, though a little strange, wasn't far from accurate. Quatre tried again, and stalled again. Gales of laughter emitted from Duo and WuFei snickered. Heero glared and Trowa sighed as Quatre began to make a hissing sound, his teeth clenched tight in order to refrain from swearing. "Try again," Heero instructed, his voice devoid of emotion. "If you begin to stall, remember to press in the clutch and it'll keep the motor running." With another snicker, WuFei begin drumming his fingers on the headrest of Quatre's seat. "You know, Quatre, the store does close. Do you think we'll get there in time?" Quatre gritted his teeth and began again, this time with more success. He pressed a button on the panel, causing the top of the convertible to fold back. If the others were going to talk, he'd make sure they're voices would be drowned out by the wind. He made it halfway down the block before he remembered to shift. Trowa's hand clasped over his as he pulled the gearshift back into second, and a loud grinding noise made the pilots wince. "Uh . . .Quatre? Can you use a little more clutch next time?" Duo asked tactlessly. Heero jabbed him in the side with his elbow. "Shut up, Duo." "I'm sorry!" Duo yelped, holding his ribs. "But he sucks!" "You're doing fine," Trowa said with a reassuring smile. He pulled his hand away from the Arabian's. "Now shift into third, with a little more clutch this time." Quatre did so, with a lot more success. They moved through Newport City at a slow but steady pace, remaining in third gear until they came to a stop light. "Just put in the clutch and pop it into neutral," Heero advised. "Aren't I supposed to downshift or something?" Quatre asked. "Don't worry about it just yet," Trowa said. "I'll teach you later." Just then a large yellow car pulled up in the lane to their left—Dorothy Catalonia and Relena Peacecraft. "Quatre Raberba Winner. We meet again." Dorothy's sharp voice made Quatre wince. She leaned forward, her hands gripping the wheel. "Shall we test your skills again?" Quatre grimaced. "You mean, you want to race?" Dorothy nodded, flipping her bangs (and one of her maniacal eyebrows). "Do you have the stomach for it?" Relena, finally noticing Heero in the back seat, leaned out the window. "Heero! Why haven't you returned any of my calls?" "Oh God," Heero muttered, slouching down the seat and hiding behind WuFei. "Make her stop!" Duo leaned across Heero's and WuFei's laps and laughed at Relena. "I think Heero's been pretty busy lately . . . ah, fencing with WuFei." Relena frowned slightly. "I'm having a party tonight if you'd like to come, Heero." "I think he'd rather chew off his own arm," WuFei muttered as the light changed. Dorothy drove off rapidly, and the gundam pilots could hear her laughter. Quatre tried to go. The car lurched and lunged three or four times, but as a result of his nervousness, it stalled. "Damn it," he swore uncharacteristically. He banged one fist against the steering wheel as he turned the key in the ignition. "Take it easy," Trowa sighed, resting his hand on Quatre's thigh. "The more upset you get, the harder this is gonna be." Duo jabbed Heero in the ribs. "Hey, isn't that what WuFei said the first time you two—” he made an obscene gesture with his hands. Heero growled. Quatre tried again. He stalled again. But this time the car behind them was honking. "Lord, you suck, Quatre!" WuFei said, giving up all hopes of ever getting anywhere. He was exasperated. "It'd be faster if we just walked!" He moved to climb out of the tiny convertible, but Heero's arm clamped down on his shoulder. "Shut up, WuFei," Trowa growled. Quatre managed to synchronize his feet this time, and they took off fairly smoothly. "That was better," Heero commented. "We might actually get to the store sometime today." "Ooh—remind me to get some whipped cream," Duo told Heero with a grin. Trowa turned his head slightly to get a look at Duo. "What? Another date with Hilde?" "No—this one's with your sister," Duo snorted. Trowa laughed and turned faced the front again. "I'm serious, man," Duo said. "I really am going out on a date with your sister tomorrow night." "Yeah. Like she'd date you!" Trowa laughed again. "You know," Quatre began, "I don't think girls are that bad, but I can't imagine ever making out with them or anything." "I can't understand how he can even like them," WuFei muttered, nuzzling closer to Heero. "Man, you don't know what you're missing," Duo laughed. "Neither do you," Heero said, caressing the inside of Duo's thigh. Duo slapped his hand away, but grinned. Quatre roughly parked the car outside of the grocery store and they made their way to the automatic doors. "So what all do we need in there?" he asked, whipping out his Winner Bank debit card. "Marshmallows." WuFei wanted to make S'mores again, if Heero didn't mind the chocolaty mess. "Whipped cream." Duo was drooling just imagining all the things he'd be able to do with Catherine. "Lubricant." Heero had always been rather indiscreet. "Raspberry syrup." Trowa had a sweet tooth for raspberries, especially if Quatre was involved in any way. "And tampons." The others looked at Quatre with expressions that were a mixture of shock and confusion. He shrugged. "I told my sisters that I'd pick some up for them." Twenty minutes later (and with twenty more items than they had planned) they were at the checkout. "Paper or plastic?" Sally Po asked, beginning to bag their purchases. "Um, paper," Trowa decided for them. "What are you doing, working in a place like this?" Sally sighed. "Rebel factions don't really get paid all that well, and most of my savings went to salvaging mobile suits. So I needed to take a second job. Credit or debit?" "Debit," Quatre answered, sliding his card through the machine. "I could change your financial situation," Heero offered. "How?" She narrowed her eyes slightly. "Tonight I'll hack into the Cinq International Bank and switch your account information with Relena's." "Thanks," Sally beamed as Duo and WuFei grabbed the bags. "That was awfully nice of you," WuFei acknowledged as they made their way to the car. Heero shrugged. "If she can't hire someone to track me, she won't be able to find me." They hopped back into the car and Quatre wiped his sweaty palms on his khakis. "Okay, here we go again." Trowa half-smiled. "Backing out is the hardest. You'll have to relax a bit." Quatre scowled. "Had you told me that before I parked I would've chosen a different spot." "Yeah right," Duo laughed, grabbing the back of Trowa's seat. "He probably would've driven around the parking lot in circles while we went into the store." Quatre sighed and started the car. "So it's the same as first, except I shift into reverse?" Trowa nodded. Quatre managed to back out a little bit—the trouble began when he had to shift back into first. He moved the gearshift, only to be greeted with loud grinding noises. "Clutch, man! Clutch!" Duo shouted, covering his ears. "What's wrong with you?!" "That's it!" WuFei cried, standing up. "You don't deserve a great car like this! This magnificent piece of machinery is too good for you!" Heero pulled him down again, shutting him up with a long kiss. Trowa snickered. "Next thing you know he'll be worshipping it and calling it 'Nataku.'" Quatre drove out of the parking lot wordlessly, but holding on to the steering wheel with an iron grip. "Where to now?" "How about the arcade?" Heero suggested. Nothing could calm WuFei down like a nice game of Virtual Fighter. "Yeah," Duo chirped. "There's a hot girl working there—Sylvia Noventa or something like that. She's really cute." Quatre shrugged and moved into the right lane. The arcade was only three blocks away, so he'd be fine if he didn't hit any lights. He watched the speedometer closely, regulating when to shift. "Go into third now, Quatre!" Duo shouted. "But I'm only going twenty-two!" he protested. Trowa glanced into his side mirror to look at Duo. "You shift too soon, anyway." Duo began to protest it, but was stopped by the all-too familiar sound of grinding gears. He glanced at the road behind them. "Uh, Q, I think you left your clutch back there." "Screw you!" Quatre hollered, his face red with rage. He pressed his foot into the gas pedal, growling slightly. Trowa laughed, gently mussing Quatre's hair. "You need to ignore him," he said softly. "And pretty soon you're going to need to shift into fourth. Listen to the engine." Quatre pressed the clutch in, but accidentally moved the gearshift toward the "reverse" position. The grinding noise was louder than ever, and Quatre didn't understand why he couldn't move the gearshift any further. "What the fuck?!" Heero yelled. "You're putting it into reverse, you ass!" Quatre quickly corrected his mistake, flushing a deep shade of pink. "There's no way you're ever going to learn," WuFei stated with a scowl. "Just give it up now." "Really," Duo chimed in. "You should just stick to automatics." Trowa turned angrily in his seat, surprising the other pilots with a fierce expression. "Maybe he'd be fine if you guys would shut the hell up!" Five minutes later they found themselves at the arcade, and Quatre parked the car with a lurch. Dorothy and Relena were leaning against the side of the building, smirking. Dorothy made her way over to Quatre's side and leaned against his door. "Well, Quatre Raberba Winner—after witnessing your driving ability, I must say that it's a lot better than your fencing." Quatre scowled and tried to come up with some nasty retort, but his mind was blank. Then Duo pulled a can out of one of the shopping bags and passed it to the angry Arabian. He understood immediately "You're right, Dorothy," Quatre said with a small smile. He gazed at her with the best set of "bedroom eyes" he could muster. "Maybe you can come over to my place tonight and give me some . . . lessons." Her face lit up with a slightly-evil grin. "I could like that." "Me, too," Quatre said with a grin. He brought the can up to her face, spraying her with cheddar cheese. "If hell froze over!" Dorothy shrieked and ran inside the building, leaving the gundam pilots with Relena. "That was mean," Trowa sighed, casting his lover an admiring smile. Quatre shrugged. "I'm really sick of that bitch." Relena sauntered over toward the car as they were climbing out. "How about that party, Heero?" He grinned maniacally. It was time to give her a dose of reality. "I'm going to be busy screwing my boyfriend." With that said, he grabbed WuFei and gave him a searing hot kiss. Relena watched with horror at first, but then her face broke out into a smile. She laughed. "Oh, stop playing hard-to-get!" As the pilots face-faulted, she ran into the arcade to find Dorothy. "Come on," Trowa said, pulling the other guys into the building. It was crowded—lots of Oz soldiers were roaming about, playing video games. A huge group surrounded the air hockey table, where Treize Kushrenada and Zechs Merquise were playing. "Ooh . . . Tetris . . ." Quatre wandered away, pulling Trowa along with him. Duo immediately made his way to the prize counter, where Sylvia Noventa was working. Man, she was cute! Heero and WuFei tried to slip past the air hockey crowd in order to reach the Virtual Fighter game, but Treize stopped them. "Ahh, Little Dragon . . . do you want to play a game?" WuFei shook his head. "No thanks. I don't like air hockey." "That's not what he was talking about," Zechs smirked, putting a hand on Heero's shoulder. "Wanna go out for a drink?" Heero grimaced. Was Zechs hitting on him? He'd always assumed that Zechs was dating Noin, and Treize was with Une. At least, that's what it had always looked life before. Treize wrapped one arm around WuFei and the other around Zechs. "Certainly we can come up with some kind of suitable arrangement. This is just too tempting for us to resist." "Aren't you guys already . . . involved?" WuFei asked, trying to end the discussion diplomatically. "I don't think your women would take kindly to this sort of situation." "Well, what they don't know can't hurt them," Zechs purred. "We've been carrying on for—how long now?" "About two years, I guess," Treize answered. "That's disgusting," WuFei snapped, grabbing Heero's arm. Let's get out of here." Heero didn't protest. He wanted to get as far away from Zechs as possible. They found Duo at the prize counter, still hitting on the pretty blonde. They yanked him away from her without a second thought. "What the hell was that for?" Duo yelled. "I almost had a date!" "Yeah, well so did we," WuFei scowled. "Where are Trowa and Quatre?" "We need to get out of here now," Heero added, by way of an explanation. They looked all over the arcade, but there was no sign of them anywhere. Finally Duo stopped, refusing to look any further. "Why did you have to get me first?" he whined. "I could've secured a date with that babe by now, you jerks." He leaned up against the 5-Minute Photo Booth, crossing his arms and pouting. "They're around here somewhere," Heero said. "We would've heard the grinding gears if they'd left." WuFei snickered and Duo smiled. They were about to go off on another search when a strip of revealing photographs came out of the machine behind Duo. He grabbed the pictures and hooted. "Well, now we know where they are!" he cried with a laugh, handing the photographs to WuFei. He pulled back the curtain to expose Trowa and Quatre, who were making out, oblivious to their surroundings. Heero yanked Quatre off of Trowa's lap. "We need to go. Now." "Damn it," Trowa swore. glaring at the other three boys. "Do you want these?" WuFei asked, dangling the photos in front of Trowa. Trowa made a grab, but WuFei pulled his hand back playfully. "Oh, I don't think so, Barton. I'm sending these back to a certain Maganac leader who's gonna be a little pissed." Quatre stopped in his tracks upon hearing WuFei's words. "You can't! Rashid will kill him!!" WuFei smirked and handed the photos to Duo. "Man, Trowa!" Duo exclaimed. "I didn't know you were that flexible!" "Just come on," Heero insisted. He dragged the other pilots out of the arcade, carefully looking out for either Relena or Zechs. "Does Quatre have to drive?" Duo whined. "Yes," Trowa answered. "Unless you give me those pictures." "Shit, you know I can't do that!" "Then Quatre's driving." The Arabian scowled at his lover. "Thanks for using me as collateral." He started the engine and took off with his usual finesse. [smirk] "Is anyone else getting hungry?" Heero asked, glancing at his watch. It was already seven-thirty. "Yes," Duo answered immediately. "Sort of," Quatre admitted, grinding the gears pathetically as he shifted into second. "What are you in the mood for?" WuFei asked, grabbing Heero's hand. Heero smiled sexily. "What am I always in the mood for?" "Chinese?" Duo asked with a smirk. "Ooh—I want something that's hot and spicy!" Quatre exclaimed. "Don't we all?" Duo murmured. "Nyah—we went to that weird Mexican place yesterday. Let's just go to McDonald's or something," Trowa suggested. Heero sighed. "I guess McDonald's will do." "How long have they been around, anyway?" Duo asked, wincing as Quatre shifted poorly again. "I think McDonald's was here before the Cinq Kingdom!" Somehow they made it to the fast-food restaurant without any major problems (other than the constant lurching whenever Quatre shifted, and stalling out at every major intersection). They went to place their orders, surprised to see some old Oz faces behind the counter. "Welcome to McDonald's; may I take your order?" Lt. Walker asked as they approached the counter. "Yeah—what's the special this month?" Duo asked. "Is it time for the McRib sandwich yet?" "No. We don't have anything, except for the Cinq Kingdom exclusive Happy Meal toy series." "And what's that?" Trowa asked. Lt. Alex and Lt. Mueller came up to the counter, holding up tiny action figures. "Pacifists of the century," Alex explained. "Several of the Peacecrafts, Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian, Quatre Winner, and Field Marshall Noventa, even." "They have me?" Quatre asked, his eyes big. "Wow!" Mueller smirked. "You're not the toy for this week. Sorry." Heero glared. "Weren't you guys killed already?" Walker sighed. "Yes, but the crazy thing about fanfics—they let you come back for a bit. Look at Treize." WuFei shrugged. There was some truth in that—he remembered killing Treize. "What do you want to eat?" Alex asked. Trowa sighed. "I want a Happy Meal, but I want the Quatre toy in it." "I can't do that," Walker explained. "It's against the franchise policy." "Please?" Quatre begged, his eyes beginning to tear up. Walker shook his head and Quatre growled with anger. "You know—I can always get in Sandrock and destroy you again!" "Yeah, if you can drive back to the hangar!" WuFei snickered. Quatre elbowed the offending pilot, standing his ground and snarling at the ex-dead-Oz soldier. "Trowa wants his toy!" "Fine!" Walker shouted. "You'll get your toy. What else?" "How about three Big Macs, a nine-piece Chicken McNugget, a number 3 combo--Super sized with a Coke, and two apple pies?" Duo licked his lips in anticipation. "Is that all?" Walker asked. Duo shook his head. "No—you have to get the other guys' orders, too!" Heero and WuFei and Quatre placed their orders and they were seated and eating within five minutes. Duo, on the other hand, had to wait an excruciatingly long time for his fries. Some things, like McDonald's, never changed despite the several hundred years of service. As they were finishing up their meal, they heard a commotion at the counter. "Colonel Zechs!" They saw Otto jumping over the counter, ready to assist Zechs in any way possible. "What would you like to try today? The Happy Meals now come with a Milliardo Peacecraft toy, you know!" Zechs snickered and brushed the man aside. "I wouldn't mind having one," Noin said, cooing over her boyfriend. She nuzzled against him. Heero was shocked and angered when Zechs winked at him over the top of Noin's head. "Master Treize, is there anything you'd like?" Lady Une asked, putting on her glasses to read the menu overhead. "Yes, Lady—but not food," Treize answered, leering at WuFei from across the room. "I want a Super-sized Quarter-Pounder Combo Meal—pronto!" Une barked out at the flustered workers. Duo shoved the last chicken McNugget in his mouth. "I think it's time to go," he said, despite his full mouth. Quatre sweatdropped. "Yeah—if these guys are here, I have a feeling Dorothy will show up any minute." They crept out the side door and made their way to the convertible. "Where to now?" Trowa asked. "How about going home?" Heero suggested. "Or to a movie?" Duo asked. Quatre turned the key in the ignition and almost backed out successfully. Well, he would have, if he hadn't tried to put the car in first, then reverse. Instead they were greeted with lurches and grinding noises, as they had expected. But Quatre corrected his mistake fairly easily, and managed to get down the street without stalling. They were traveling down a quiet road, Quatre concentrating on the clutch, Trowa tapping lightly on the side of the car. Duo was singing softly and Heero and WuFei were curled up together in the back seat. It was peaceful. They'd had a long day—some of which they wanted to forget. Now that they were on a fairly deserted road with few lights or stop signs, they weren't too disturbed by the occasional grinding of gears. "Shift into fourth now," Trowa instructed. Quatre tried to do so, but stalled. They were lucky no one was behind them. "How the fuck do you stall going into fourth?!" Heero shouted, getting ready to attack Quatre. "Just give it up—you'll never be able to drive this car!" "I agree!" WuFei hollered. "You're ruining this beautiful car! Nataku doesn't deserve your injustice!" Duo fished the strip of photographs out of his pocket. "Trowa, just take them, and get him the hell out of that seat!" Trowa complied, quickly switching seats with Quatre. "This is so much better," The Arabian sighed, placing his hand on Trowa's knee. "Don't you think?" Trowa nodded and started the car again. The other three pilots smiled as Trowa easily drove off, turning into a drive-in movie theater. "What are they showing?" Heero asked. "Doesn't matter," Duo pointed out. "You're just gonna make out with Wuffie." Heero shrugged. He was probably right. After paying the attendant, Trowa drove around looking for the perfect spot. He pulled up next to a somewhat familiar-looking car. "Hey! That's Hilde's car!" Duo shouted. He noticed the feet hanging out of the window. "Hey, who the hell is she with?" He leaned out of the convertible, straining for a better look. "I swear I'm gonna kill whatever son of a bitch thinks he can put his hands on my Hilde!" Quatre shifted in his seat, peering into the other car as it rocked wildly. "It kind of looks like . . . Catherine!" "What?!" Duo jumped out, astonished. He looked into the window, then smirked at the other guys. "Back me up, men, 'cause I'm goin' in!" With a laugh he entered the other car, greeted by the squeals of lustful girls. Trowa growled. "That is not my sister," he repeated over and over, like a mantra. Quatre scooted closer, intending to make Trowa forget all about Duo and Catherine. "Heero!" Relena's cry interrupted the other four boys. Heero pulled away from WuFei, cursing. "Aren't you supposed to be on your way to my house?" she asked, oblivious to the fact that he had been all over the Chinese boy. Just then Duo popped out of the other car. His hair was coming out of its braid and his shirt was unbuttoned. "Can you hand me the whipped cream?" he asked Quatre. "And whatever's left of the Cheez Whiz?" WuFei looked at Heero seriously for a moment. "You know, there is one place we can go where she'll never find us." Heero sighed. "Zechs and Treize?" WuFei nodded. "Let's go." Hopping out of the car, WuFei and Heero took off, with Relena in hot pursuit. Duo jumped back into the other car with a feral grin. Trowa glanced over at Quatre with a small smile. "The backseat's free," he said softly. Quatre nodded, using the dim light to examine the strip of pictures closely. "Trowa, how did you get into that position?" "Here, let me show you . . . "
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